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The Silver Wasp/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, something weird happens to a man whenever he goes to a sporting event. Like take this little practical item here. When the game's over what exactly do you think you're gonna do with a giant finger? I suppose you could give it your wife, but I have a feeling you'd get one right back. Here's a better idea... Next time you're cleaning your vehicle, think about those hard-to-reach places that your regular sponge just can't get at. I'm talking about the grill, or around the tire rim or even up the tail pipe, but be careful there, eh. And when it comes to the real detail work, like around these door frames, hey, it's time to get serious and call in a packers fan. [ sponge squeaking ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Yeah, appreciate it. Boy, been a wacky week up at the lodge here. Got a comic book convention in the area. What a bunch of weirdos! It's like a horror movie... Night of a thousand harolds. I wouldn't even be hanging around, but I got this comic book, aquaman number 1. Had it since I was a kid. I figure I could sell it to one of the delegates. Probably get like 100 bucks for it. One of the upsides of the computer age is nerds have money now. Uncle red! Look what just arrived! Well, now, that's exciting. A cardboard box, eh? It's a costume for our guest speaker who arrives tomorrow, and the delegates are gonna freak out when they see who it is. Really? Is it a woman? I haven't seen any here. No. Recognize this? Yeah, that's the jiffy pop popcorn, isn't it? No! It's the helmet of the greatest tv and comic action hero in the history of the world! The silver wasp. What the heck's this here? It's a cane. How old is this superhero, harold? It's not a cane. That's the silver scepter, the silver wasp's ultimate weapon in battling evil. And uneven sidewalks. Stop that! Stop that! What else you got in there, harold? I got his costume -- the rest of his costume. And I got his sidekick's costume, stinger. Stinger can't be here, though. He's got a prior commitment and court order that says he can't. Well, harold, how can you have a wasp without a stinger? Well, I have volunteered to stand side by side with the silver wasp. I shall be stinger! Oh, yes, yes. Yes. Oh, that's -- oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [ laughter and applause ] [ ♪ ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive a coupon for dinner for two at sam 'n' ella's (salmonella's) restaurant, conveniently located right next to the hospital. Okay, mike, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... All right, dalton. And go! Okay, mike, this is a piece of paper that causes you to lose your job. What's it called? A warrant. Okay, think about this... Freudian... Are we still playing in english? Okay, okay. If there's something you're not supposed to say, but it accidentally comes out in conversation, that's called a... Confession. Okay, okay, I know. Mike, this is what your mother's got on under her dress. Tassles. Time's almost up, red. Yeah. Okay, okay, mike, this is something people are afraid will happen to them in the shower. At home or in prison? [ laughter ] at home. Oh, slip. Yeah! [ ♪ ] red: Careful where you aim that thing, dalton. Dalton: I see you, red. Red: Yeah, well, it's not your eyes I'm concerned about. Dalton: Well, excuse me for living. Winston: Would you guys just quit bickering. Red: I'm not bickering. There's the guy that's bickering right there. Dalton: Oh, please. Winston: You see the book I'm reading here? "the anger tree" by anthony anthony. He tells us that the anger tree grows from deep beneath the soil. It means that you need to unearth the psychological roots of your conflict. Red: You know, winston, an apology works just as well. Dalton: Apology? -Dalton: Apology?! -Red: That's right. Dalton: What makes you think I would accept an apology? Winston: Okay, dalton, red says that you're invading his space. But what he's really saying is that you need to develop well-defined ego boundaries. Okay, red, and what dalton is saying is that you need to control your inner parent. Red: You know, I'm not so sure anthony anthony understands men. Winston: He's a man. Red: I'm not so sure about that either. I'm just mad at dalton because he wrecked my pressure washer. Dalton: I didn't break your pressure washer. Red: You didn't? Dalton: No, I didn't even use your pressure washer. I have my own pressure washer. I have my own things you know, red. Red: Yeah. All right. Dalton: I have many things. I've got a lava lamp, some stamps, a garden gnome -- red: Okay, dalton, you're affluent, all right? Well, then who the heck borrowed my pressure washer? Winston: What? Okay, look, my truck was really dirty, okay? How was I supposed to know you can't hook that stupid thing up to a fire hydrant? Dalton: Oh, brother. I just feel so stupid, you know. We've been mad at each other all afternoon. Red: And we should have been mad at winston. Winston: That's good. That's good. What you just engaged in there, that's called transference. Red: Transference? Winston: Let me take another page out of anthony anthony's book. Red: You can take 'em all out, as far as I'm concerned. -Dalton: May I have a look? -Winston: Sure. It can really help you out, you know. Dalton: Is it easy to read? Winston: Not bad. A little dry in spots. Dalton: Is it? Well, I can fix that. Winston: Hey! Red: (chuckling) transfer complete. [ tires screeching ] [ crash! ] okay, you're probably wondering how something like this could happen. Was I driving too fast? Did the brakes fail? Maybe I forgot I had a freezer on the roof. Is that my fault? I don't think so. I mean, it took four guys at dalton's store to put it up there. There's no way I could take it off by myself. And if the cars these days had a decent size trunk, I wouldn't need to put the freezer on the roof in the first place. Oh, no, I'm telling you, this was an accident. But instead of whining or pointing fingers, today on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how, with a little work and imagination, you can actually make something out of an accident. That's what my parents did with me. Okay, now I took the garage door tracks and I mounted them freezer width on the roof and then down over the trunk of the car. Now I'm just securing the garage door opener itself to the hood. And don't be afraid to use the long screws on this baby. And then you really wanna get her attached securely there. It might be a good idea to even open the hood and check that you've got a real good grip there. Yeah, that's fine. Okay, now all I gotta do is put my freezer into place. I don't need this as a garage door opener anymore, since I no longer have a garage door. Now it's my automatic roof rack hoist. If you'll notice, I took the roller hardware off my garage doors and attached it to the four corners of my roof rack box, formerly known as my freezer. Likewise, the garage door handle becomes cleat for my hoisting mechanism. So all I have to do is fit my rollers on track, and then give the handle the hook. Okay, let's give her a test run. And don't wimp out, you know. Freezers can handle a lot of weight, plus they keep everything fresh. Best before may 12. Of course now, the beauty here is to get my roof rack up onto the roof, well, I don't have to lift a finger. I just grab my garage door opener and let nature take its course. See, this was no accident; this was a project. So remember if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Okay, um, next week we're going to show you how to make great jigsaw puzzles for your kids. [ ♪ ] wanna talk to you older guys for a minute about your wardrobe. You know, there comes a point in a man's life when there are certain pieces of clothing he should no longer be wearing. Like that old pair of jeans you've got with the size 32 waist on 'em. Okay, maybe you can still pull 'em on, and on a good day you might even be able to zip 'em up, depending on your long capacity. But later on, when you zip them down, kind of looks like somebody tearing open a bag of insulation. Now, even if you kept yourself in shape, there are some items in your closet that should never see the light of day again, unless it's coming through the crack in the dumpster lid, like, say, that souvenir rock concert t-shirt from 1967. Just because the band is still embarrassing themselves still being on tour, doesn't mean you have to embarrass yourself wearing the darned t-shirt. And don't ever think that you can be current. A man of our age has gotta wear his ball cap facing forward. The shoes have gotta cover his toes. And the crotch of his pants needs to be in the general vicinity of the crotch of his body. [ applause ] but I got good news for you. If this seems like too much to remember, if you have a wife, you don't even have to. You just put on whatever she tells you to, okay. You're just the guy who wears the clothes. We have to look at you! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] if your tank's in trouble and all full of muck; if the ground's getting soft and you feel like a schmuck; give rothschild's a call, and I'll come in my truck. I'm there in the book. Just look under "suck". Man, there's a lot of money changing hands out there. They offered moose thompson 75 bucks to pose as the incredible hulk. That's a lotta green, believe me. Hey, mike. Oh, hi, mr. Green. What do you got there? Oh, what this? Oh, it's nothing. It's just an old comic book was gonna have appraised. Aquaman number 1? Oh, yeah, it is! How about that. Okay, see you. That better not be my aquaman number 1, or you're in deep number 2. [ stammering ] I was planning on selling it for you. As a surprise. How much do you want for it? I want $100 for it, mike. Well, I'll give you 100 bucks for it. Well, great. Hand it over. Well, not my 100 bucks. I'll sell it and I'll give 100 bucks out of whatever I get for it. No, no, no. You go get me an offer. We'll take if from there, all right? Anyway, you can't sell something when you don't even own it yet. Well, my stock broker does it all the time. Uncle red, I got a problem. [ whistles and applause ] just the one? I'm stinger. But the problem is the silver wasp isn't coming. What? He bugged off on you? He looked possum lake up on the map, and it wasn't there, so he's not coming. Oh, man, harold, how are you going to get a superhero on short notice? Well, I've still got his costume here. He's not really that much of a superhero anyways. He's kind of old and useless. So I was thinking maybe you could do it. Oh, I can't be the silver wasp. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do all the entertainment. I'll sign the autographs. Keep everybody happy. You think we could actually pull it off? Sure. Yeah. I'll do all the work, and you take all the credit. It'll be just like our tv show. Red (voice over): I was out behind the lodge. I like cutting things. I've got the circular saw. Just cut stuff at random is what I like to do. But unfortunately, when I got over to the outlet, which only had the one, there was something plugged in. I thought, what the heck is plugged in there? And it's an extension cord, so I figured, well, I don't wanna just unplug it. Might be something important at the other end. So -- but there's nothing there. So I say, I wonder where the heck this goes? And I come around and thinking what the heck -- oh, there we go. There's a lawn mower. Of course. It's a lawn mower. Except that's a gas lawn mower. So the extension cord keeps -- now we're getting -- that's a pretty good size extension cord on there. Coming up over the fence there and all the wreck, and then goes right across the road there and up into the bush, and I'm thinking, holy cow. I didn't see walter coming along, and I had to raise the wire up to go through the bush. You kids be careful of that at home. I come to the end, and it's tied around a tree. So actually they're using it as a clothesline. So maybe it's an electric clothes dryer of some kind. But it's still not the end. It just keeps going. So I kind of follow along a little farther. What the heck is this -- and now I get to -- I notice it's moving, which means I must be getting close to whoever's using it. So I think, okay, I'm gonna catch them red handed. And I come out there, and I see what's going on. Okay, and even the kids don't have the end of it, so I keep going there, and wouldn't you know it, I come up to dalton's store and it goes right up the outside wall of his store. So I figure, well, I'll have to go up on the roof to figure out what this is all about. Luckily my commando training came in handy. And up over the roof, and there it is. He's running a huge neon sign plugged into the lodge. So I figure the heck with that, so I unplug her. Now dalton comes running outta the store. What the heck's going on. And then he sees it's me. It's a whole different tune. So I give him a flick of the wrist. And it's lights out for dalton. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] that's my wife's car back there. Once in a while when she sends me on an errand, to, say, you know, the mall, she doesn't want me to take the possum van. She's afraid some of her friends will see me in it. So I take her car. But then when I come out of the mall to go home, it looks so much like the hundreds of other cars in the parking lot, I can never find the darned thing. Oh, sure, I know the trick where you press the remote button and honk the horn. [ horn honking ] but after 40 years of driving the way I drive, I'm at the point where I can't even hear car horns anymore. So I got a better idea. I'll give you a clue. Some of you could use one. This car has a power antenna, and I got bernice to make me a small flag. Okay, I re-wired the horn relay, so now instead of the horn honking when I hit the remote, it's gonna turn on the radio and the windshield wipers. That's because the windshield wiper's got the power antenna mounted on it, and I got bernice's flag on that. Looks like she just used an old tea towel, which is fine. I was kinda hoping she'd embroider the family crest on there. I guess a bunch of assorted food stains and a couple of burn marks is close enough. I'll tell you one thing, when I out of the mall now, I got no problem. [ pounding at door ] I'll tell you something, those nerds can really move. All the years of running away from bullies really builds up the leg muscles, I guess. We gotta do something, uncle red. They're mad. They know you're a fake. Why did you make that speech? Well, harold, they were just staring at me like they were expecting something. And I didn't give much of a speech. I just said, the silver wasp welcomes you guys to the comic book convention. That was it. But the silver wasp never spoke! Oh. Wasps can't talk, uncle red, duh! [ pounding continues. Oh, no, they're coming. Harold, here, give them my aquaman comic. [ arguing ] harold! They're you're kind of people! Okay, you know what. I got aquaman number 1 for you. Here, take it. Just go. Good work, stinker. Stinger! Mr. Green, the deal is done. Give me the aquaman comic. I found a buyer. And I think you're going to be very, very happy. I don't. Why not? I got -- no, mike, it doesn't matter. I don't care if you even got 200 bucks for it. It makes no difference. I got an offer of $10,000. Audience: Ohhhh. [ possum squealing ] that's meeting time, uncle red. You guys go ahead. I need to think about killing myself. Okay, if my wife is watching, and I really hope you're not, I may not be faster than a speeding bullet, but I just screwed myself out of ten grand in a single bound. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and stinker and the whole gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody take your seats. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Have a seat. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, guys, this is harold's new look. He's hoping to find a little honey. Maybe set up a hive. And if all goes well, there'll be another son of a bee at the lodge some day. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com